Who's Line is it Anyway? A Gundam Wing Parody
by Fairytale Mistress
Summary: The title is pretty self explanatory, What have the Gundam Boys gotten themselves into this time? Trowa’s our host, and the other four are in for the time of their lives! Read on for the hilarity!


"Who's Line Is It Anyway?" A Gundam Wing Parody

Warnings: slight shonen ai, frequent referral to sexual activity/play-toys.

Author's Notes: PG-13, mildly explicit sexual references. Major OOCness here, but it's funny all the same. I don't own anything—well… perhaps the voice over… but even he doesn't really count…

Synopsis: The title is pretty self explanatory, What have the Gundam Boys gotten themselves into this time? Trowa's our host, and the other four are in for the time of their lives! Read on for the hilarity!

* * *

(Music begins in normal fashion. A red line snakes its way onto the screen. One figure, looking suspiciously like our very own braided pilot, Duo, pops up. The figure divides in two creating another figure that looks suspiciously like Wufei. The two stare at each other and appear to begin to fight. Another character appears in what looks like a Gundam. This one is a striking resemblance to Quatre. This figure hops willingly into the fray, hoping to get his two-licks in. Finally, a Fourth character walks on. This one is none other than Heero Yuy. The Fourth character grins evilly and reaches for the end of the string… finally; audiences everywhere will know just what lies at the end of that annoying animated string! That's right folks… It is none other than …………………………………………… a self-destruct button… The fourth figure takes great precision and, to the other three figures utter horror, presses it…)

**(KA—BOOM!)**

Voice over: Ladies and gentlemen, your host tonight, Trooooooooowa Barrrrrrrrton!

(And the crowd goes wild)

Trowa: …

(Crickets chirp in the back ground)

Voice over: Trowa Barton? Trowa read your que cards you moron! Is my mike on? Oh shi!

Trowa: (Looks down and discovers cards before him) (Deadpan) Welcome ladies and gentlemen; for tonight's show, allow me introduce to you… The guy who does not know how to die… Mr. Heero Yuy…

(Few confused claps are heard in the audience, Duo gives a standing ovation)

_Ahem…_ the guy that never shuts up unless he's—erk……

(To V.O.) I refuse to read that…

(V.O. shrugs back stage.)

It's Duo Maxwell… ummm… From Arabia, the fabulous, the wonderful, the Beautiful –oops… Quatre Winner!

(The crowd gives a unanimous raised eyebrow and quirky grin.)

And finally, The guy who is last almost all the time and whose two favorite words are "injustice" and "onna"…Chang Wufei…

(Crowd claps appreciatively, more so because it is over than because of the introductions themselves.)

Trowa: (Deadpan) the first in our array of exciting games tonight is the "dating game". Quatre you will be the contestant, Wufei, Heero, Duo, you three will find separate note cards that tell you how you must act.

(The actors fumble around a few moments setting up the stools and looking at their cards.)

Trowa: (Deadpan) Is everyone ready? Begin.

Quatre: mystery date number one, can you describe your perfect date to me?

Heero: (is a 5 year old on a sugar high…) (glares at camera 2.) (slips into character) (High-pitched voice) well, we'd (giggle) go to the candy store and we'd (giggle giggle) get some yummy can—oh lookie! A purdy doll!

(EVERYONE stares in disbelief) (Heero glares at camera 4)

Quatre: ummm, ok, that sounds good… I guess… Mystery date number two, can you answer the same question?

Wufei: (is a Teletubbie) (grumbles something closely akin to "injustice" under his breath.) goo gla bloo triplee…? Hee hee, abba gablah toe isth… oooooooooooooooh! (Looks excitedly at stomach) ON! OFF! ON! OFF! (Looks up at proverbial giggling baby and falls into fits of laughter.)

Quatre: uh—right… (Wufei twitches) moving on! Mystery date number three, can you please answer the same question?

Duo: (is Relena) (girly voice) Well, you see, if you were HEERO, I would stalk you until you shot me, then I would still follow you some more, I would preach pacifism but secretly go on killing raids at night with my one and only love.

(Heero's eyes, shoot wide open at the realization and he scoots his stool away from Duo…)

Quatre: Mystery date number three, you are Relena and you need to be shot! (Duo grins and bounces back to his seat.) NEXT QUESTION! Mystery date number one, what is your hobby, and how would you plan to get me interested?

Heero: (High-pitched voice) I like to eat candy! I'd get you interested by taking you to the (giggle) candy store! (Glares at camera 3)

Quatre: oh, you are some sort of child… on a sugar rush!

(Heero sighs, and nods…and glares at cameras 5, 6, and 7…)

Quatre: Dear god, save us, Mystery date number two… please enlighten us as to your hobby…

Wufei: (giggles madly and darts off into the audience, the camera that Heero has been glaring at the past few minutes turns to follow him.) googlah wapaff! Hee hee hee hee… samuee! Cowcowcow! Laaaaaa!

(Wufei drops character and stares pleadingly at Quatre… he points to his stomach… then sticks his hair straight up on his head… hoping the blonde will get the hint…)

Quatre: You……… are scaring me…

(Wufei begins to hum the theme song… the audience laughs…)

Quatre: … a Teletubbie? You are a Teletubbie? Oh—oh my…

(The crowd cheers and Wufei sighs in relief…)

Trowa: (Deadpan)and at the end of the round I see, it is… yes, Quatre is the winner by a landslide! (No pun intended)

(Crowd rolls eyes…)

Trowa: (Deadpan) on to the next one shall we? The next one is for all for of you; it is called "Props." It will be between Duo and Heero, and Wufei and Quatre… Duo, here you two take that and do what you can with it… (He hands them a mass of plastic bubble wrap.) In addition, Quatre, you two take these (He hands them two cone shaped objects.), and come up with anything you can. Are you ready? Heero and Duo, you will start.

Heero: (holds bubble rap up in front of him like shower curtain) (sings) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedlee deedlee there they are-a standing in a row bum bum bum…

(Buzz)

Quatre: (pulls Wufei's hair from it's infamous pony tail and sticks cones up to his chest.) Look! It's Madonna!

(The crowd goes wild…)

(Buzz)

Duo: (folds Wrap into a giant condom) did you say you wanted large or extra extra large?

(Buzzer buzzes furiously)

Wufei: (still trying to put his hair back up… sticks cone thingy in his mouth… (Quatre seizes the opportunity and grabs his hands and waltzes across the floor…) mmmmmnnnnnnnppppphhhhh!

(Buzz)

Heero: (lays wrap flat on floor) Stand still Duo… (he then proceeds to flip him backwards successfully falling out of range of camera number 5)

V.O.: the next few minutes will be cut from the show due to excessive sexual activity…

(Cut to several moments later. The four players have assumed their seats and though two look completely disheveled there seems to be no other abnormalities…)

Trowa: (Deadpan) Right, ok, the winner of that game was Quatre… our next game is "Questions". This is for all four of you…if you will please come down… This game is simple, the players are only to use conversation consisting of questions… now we need an idea for a situation to put these guys in… anyone?

(A woman in the very back who looks suspiciously like Lady Une screams: "A teen-age girl talking to her mother before she goes on her first date!" Wufei and Heero groan, Quatre looks indifferent… Duo is looking at Heero's ass… so he does not hear the statement…)

Trowa: okay, so, whenever you are ready… begin…

(Heero and Wufei step down from opposite sides…)

Heero: (assuming mother role) where are you two going?

Wufei: didn't I already tell you?

Heero: do you think I was listening?

Wufei: hell no, you never do!—Er…

(Buzzer- Wufei stalks off camera 1)

(Quatre steps down)

Quatre: Can I borrow your French tickler?

Heero: Hn…

(Buzzer- Heero turns and walks back… Duo assumes his place)

Duo: are you sure you don't want my leather handcuffs instead?

Quatre: would you let me borrow both?

Duo: how do you plan to use them?

Quatre: well, first I would tie him up… and then…erk…

(Buzzer buzzes frantically… Trowa is now beat red…)

V.O.: due to explicit sexual content viewers under the age of 13 are advised to leave the premises immediately.

Trowa: (Deadpan) The winner of that last round was… Quatre again! Oooooooooooooooh-Kay I think that is enough of that game… next up is a party, for all of you… Duo, you will be the host of this little shin dig; the rest of you will have envelopes there that tell you what you have to be… so let's get this started…

(Ding-dong)

Duo: Hi! Come in, come in! You're the first to arrive! How do you do?

Heero: (is regressing back into the womb) (acting very old…) ahh… hey'a there sonny… let me tell ya, when I was your age, we threw all sorts of parties…

Duo: my—Hee-Chan… you seem to have gotten old…

(Ding-dong)

(Duo opens door)

Wufei: (Barney) (grumbles something about being stuck as all the bad PBS characters…) Hey'a pal! Would you like to be my friend? We can clean up together! (Starts to bounce around and hum the "clean up" song…)

Duo: I… I hope that's not catching…

(Ding-dong)

(Duo opens door)

Quatre: (a foot ball coach is chewing his team out.) SIT DOWN, SHUT UP AND LET'S RUN OVER THOSE PLAYS AGAIN! THERE, YOU SEE _THAT_? WHAT THE _HELL_ IS THAT?

Duo: hmmmmmmmm I don't know.

Heero: (Pulls out lap top) not now man, I have work to finish… we'll play ball later…

Wufei: I'LL PLAY WITH YOU!

Duo: … Barney…. Go sit down…

(Wufei sighs and walks off)

Heero: (putting his laptop away and sauntering over to Duo) hey, want to hang with the guys and me tonight? There is a great porno on channel 288…

Duo: (twitches) erk—

Quatre: THAT BOY DON'T HAVE TIME FOR NO _PORNOS_! HE HAS A _GAME_ TO PREPARE FOR! BECAUSE HE'S A LOOOOOOOOZZER!

Duo: now just wait a minute!

Quatre: I WILL NOT WAIT! YOU HAVE _PRACTICE_ M'BOY!

Heero: (giggles) TAG! You're it! (Runs away)

(Buzzer calls time)

Trowa: (Deadpan) Duo, do you have any clue as to what the other two guys might be?

Duo: well…. Quatre is some psycho coach who is obsessed with his game… and Heero… I think he is living life backwards…

(Trowa nods) (V.O. pokes him in side)

Trowa: yes yes, that is the correct answer!

(The audience claps as the players join Wufei in their seats)

Trowa: (Deadpan) the winner of that last game was—

(the audience and the players on stage scream unanimously) QUATRE! WE KNOW!

Trowa: (Deadpan) wow! You guys are psychic! How did you do that?

(Crowd groans)

Trowa: (Deadpan) our next game is called "world's worst". It is simple. The Players just give examples of the world's worst situations. Are you ready? Here we go… the topic is… world's worst ways to die…

(Everyone stares at Heero…)

Heero: Hn. What?

Crowd: (shrug)

Duo:(Steps down) by me, naturally!

(Buzz)

Wufei: (Steps down) The wrath of Nataku…

(Buzz(

Quatre: (Steps down) lack of sex?

(Sweat drop—buzz buzz buzz!(

Heero: (Steps down) being shot by me…

(Buzz)

Duo: (pulls Heero down on stage, leans head back, wails) HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOO!

(AUDIENCE SHUDDERS)

(BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)

Trowa: (Deadpan) thank you very much, the winner of that round is… Quatre… again…

Wufei: injustice…

Trowa: shut up

Wufei: put your arm down

Trowa: drop your katana

Wufei: Injustice

Trowa: shut up…

(Audience groans)

Trowa: the next game is called "Super Heroes…" (No pun intended, Duo…) This is where the audience chooses what Wufei will be and what the national emergency is… I need a little help from the audience… what should Wufei be?

Sally Po: (has been waiting all night just to get back at Wufei for soaking her with that garden hose…) MAKE HIM A SUPER MOM!

Trowa: ok, a super mom it is then… (Wufei groans and makes a mental note to kill that infuriating woman later…) we also need a crisis of some sort…

(Another lady stands up, she looks a lot like Noin…) THERE'S NO MORE WHIPPED CREAM LEFT!

Trowa: (Deadpan) ooooo oook… Wufei, take it away… Please…

Wufei: (mutters under breath) I bet I know what happened to it too… (speaks aloud) (Deadpan) oh no… there's a terrible crisis on our hands… what _ever_ shall we do?

(Duo jumps on the screen)

Duo: HI super mom man… I was uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Wufei: (slaps him) that's nice… we have a crisis one-word-at-a-time man, and you need to help fix it…

Duo: oh…

Wufei: what _ever_ shall we do?

Duo: Run?

Wufei: no moron—

(Is interrupted by Quatre…)

Quatre: I am sorry I am late, but I had a hard time getting the handcuffs from act 3 off…

Wufei: please help us…

Duo: HI! (Pause) Bad (pause) joke (pause) telling (pause) man!

Quatre: hey! I got one! What is blue and sits in a corner? A dead baby!

Duo: Eww…

(Heero strolls on scene…)

Heero: I am sorry I am late… I had to shoot Relena… again…

Quatre: we are glad you are here you are our hero Heero!

(Everyone rolls their eyes)

Quatre: no seriously, schizophrenia man, we're glad you came… or at least Duo is!

(Audience makes a face and shudders)

Heero: Never Fear! We're here to save the day! The world needs whipped cream does it? Well, whipped cream it shall have…

(Heero reaches in his massive black hole o'spandex™ and pulls out his—)

V.O: this scene has been edited out because of gross sexual content…

(Zooms back in and everyone is seated…)

Trowa: (Deadpan) Thank you for that lovely display of such… masculinity _ahem_ the winner was Quatre… and I'll shoot anyone who tries to deny it…

(Cricket chirps)

Trowa: (Deadpan) ok, moving on… our next game is called "out of the hat"…

Duo: (interrupting) is that sort of like out of the closet?

Trowa: shut up… no

Duo: (disappointed) damn…

Trowa: ANY way… in this game I'll give the players a topic and a short time to come up with demonstrations for that topic… this is for everyone… so let's begin… one: World's worst ways to say I love you

Duo: I shot Heero when we met…………

(Buzz)

Heero: Stalking me, pleading to be shot… I should have killed that expletive expletive a long time ago…

(Buzz…)

Quatre: well, you could tie 'im up…

(BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)

Wufei: I plead the 5th on this one….

(BUZZ)

Trowa: Shortest books

Duo: hmmmmmmmm "Trowa's complete guide to public speaking…"

(BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!)

Heero: "omae o korosu"

(BUZZ!)

Trowa: Things not to say during sex

Duo: um… you know I am gay, right?

(BUZZ)

Quatre: would you mind me videotaping this?

(BUZZzzZZZzzzZzZZzzZZZzzzZzZZZzzzZZzz!)

Wufei: what is your name again?

(Buzz)

Trowa: How to annoy your boyfriend or girlfriend

Wufei: ONNA!

(BUZZ)

Duo: (GRINS) HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Buzzzzzzzzzzzz)

Trowa: best ways to say 'hi'.

Duo: hi! How are ya? Wow, that's great, no, really, go on, you don't say! Really? Sho' nuff! Wow! You're looking fabulous today! Go on! Get out 'a here! For real? Uhhh! I told you that bitch crazy! …

(…BUZZ)

Trowa: well, that is the end of that round… again; Quatre is the winner… so let's move right along… The title of the last round is "sit, stand, lay…" This is for three players, Heero, Duo and Wufei… at all times one person must be standing, sitting and lying down the topic is: Duo, you and Wufei are in the doctor's office getting a paternity test… Duo, Heero is your doctor whom you have been secretly seeing and now you must break this to your husband… get in position… ready? Go…

Heero: (sits down) how are the both of you doing today?

Wufei: (Remains standing) I am good, my _WIFE_ here is pregnant but I do not think the child is mine… we want it tested to be accurate…

Duo: (lying down) ( a bit obviously) I TOLD him it was his… but he says he doesn't trust me…

Heero nods and stands up: (Wufei sits down and massages his forehead) I see… ok, I will see what I can do for you…

Duo sits up causing Wufei to stand, then he stands and Heero sits so Wufei faints: oh, poor Wufei… I need to tell him… this baby business is all so complicated… you see, Doctor Yuy, it wasn't supposed to happen this way… I used to be a man… a man who could not get pregnant… and now… look at what I have become!

Wufei sits up causing Duo to lie back down on the table, Heero stands: A HAH! I knew something was wrong! The child isn't mine!

Heero sits and Wufei stands: what makes you say that Mr. Chang?

Wufei looks oddly at Yuy: because doctor, I have never slept with my er—wife…

Heero faints and Duo sits up: I think we did it hubby… maybe he'll lower our insurance now!

Wufei: bout damn time!

(The two high five one another… the audience cheers)

Trowa: Beautifully done… however… the winner is… Quatre! Cause I said so!

(The audience boos and flings pie at Trowa…)

Trowa: (dogging pie) but, just to make the audience happy, Heero, Wufei, you will read the credits in the style I choose…you two are the true winners anyhow…

( The crowd claps) (Heero and Wufei exchange frightened glances)

Trowa: You two are two giggling schoolgirls gossiping about boys.

Wufei: INJUSTICE!

(Audience pouts)

Wufei: oh… Ok, just this once…

(Audience cheers)

(Heero and Wufei stand in front of the TV and begin to read the credits)

Heero: ooh wuffie! (GIGGLE) you remember that cute 7th grader?

Wufei: you mean Billy. (GIGGLE) Oh yea! He was sooo cute!

Heero: (giggle) he kissed me once!

Wufei: that's nothing! (Giggle) Don Patterson kissed me yesterday!

Heero: ooooo Oooh really? I'm sooooo jealous! (Giggle)

And the scene fades out…

* * *

C'mon, tell me you're glad it's finished! It sucked didn't it… yep, thought so, thanks for agreeing with me!

Owari! The Fairy Tale Mistress

© 2002

© 2005


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